Who Am I?

Who am I?

A concept I’ve been pondering a bit lately. When chronic pain and/or chronic illness comes into our lives and our bodies, our world is turned upside down, and who we were before, is not who we are today. There are so many things that we want to be, or that we were, that we can no longer be, or cannot at this time in our lives anyway. Jobs, careers, families, friends, hobbies, feelings, thoughts, abilities, all are changed in the blink of an eye. So I wanted to explore in this particular blog entry: After seven years of chronic pain and chronic illness in my life, who am I?

I wanted to explore this because sometimes my crazy magnifying pain brain will tell me things that are hurtful and untrue- things like “I don’t matter”, or “My life is pointless”, or even “it wouldn’t even matter if I wasn’t here anymore”, on especially dark days. Since I can’t DO the things that I want to, or the things society expects of us, thoughts like this pop up sometimes. So this blog entry is dedicated to those thoughts, to remind them that I do matter, I do have a purpose, I’m alive for a reason, and I contribute to life and those around me in good ways, even if they aren’t the ways I wish I could, or used to be able to.

I am a warrior. I am fighting for my life, for my health, for joy, for peace of mind, and sometimes just hanging on to make it through the day. Me and other’s in chronic pain and/or chronic illness are fighting a bigger battle daily, then many without will in a lifetime. We are warriors, and we are fucking awesome.

I am a friend. Yes I cannot always be the friend i want to be if i weren’t sick, but I am still a good person with good stuff to offer as a friend. When I can, how I can. And I can learn to take care of myself in friendships, and ask for what I need, and say “I can’t I’m sorry” when I need to rest and take care of myself. And those who matter won’t mind, and those who mind won’t matter and will fall by the wayside, and that’s ok, because another who understands and needs me like I need them will take their place if I am open to it.

I am a girlfriend/partner, and a GOOD ONE! No matter what my mind tells me, I know I am a good woman, a good even GREAT partner/girlfriend. Yes there are challenges and obstacles, and things I cannot do at this time, but I love him with everything I am, in every way I can. Able bodied does not equal good girlfriend/partner, just like disabled/sick does not equal bad girlfriend/partner. I have a lot of love and good to give. He’s lucky to have me🙂

I am a sponsor. I am in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I sponsor woman and support woman. My methods may be different or need certain accommodations, but I am a kick ass sponsor and support of women in my 12 step program none the less. And as I learn and accept more of what I am unable to currently do, I can focus on finding ways to do it, just do it a little differently.

I am a sponsee! (Meaning I have a sponsor in AA) Again, our relationship may look different than other sponsor/sponsee relationships in 12 step programs, but we have found what works for both of us. Slowly but surely. We both help keep each other sober, and we both learn from each other, just like I do with the women I sponsor or support.

I am a daughter. I love my moms and dad. My relationship with my parents has definitely changed over the years, when i got sober, and then again and again when I got sick and sicker. But I am an ok daughter. LoL. I am learning how to be an okay daughter, and to not beat myself up when I don’t “measure up” for one reason or another. My parents did and do their best, and they do love me, and they try to understand me and my illness, and for that I am grateful and blessed.

I am an animal lover. I had two babies, for 10 and 16 years each, that both died this past year. It truly has been the hardest year of my life without them. Since when you are sick and home alone so much, they were my children and my best friends. God I miss them so much. I love them even more. Forever. And I know one day again, when it’s time, God will put a new fur child in my home for me to parent, love and friend.❤

I stand for social justice in any and every form, in any and every way I can. There is so much social injustice in this world, and I will fight for equality for all until the day I leave this world. Some might call me an “activist”. Many have.

I am a daughter of a King, a child of the Living Lord, God’s daughter. He made me, He loves me, He hears me, He helps me, and He wants me to live the best life I can, even in this jacked up body, while I am here on earth.

Well, that’s as far as my pain brain will take me. I tried to think of anything else in the “who am I?” category, but it only made my head hurt more😛 So that’s it for now. I give myself permission to add to this later, or not🙂

Now I would love to hear from you guys/gals! I think as people with chronic pain/illness we all struggle with identity and feelings of worthlessness at times, so maybe take a moment and post some “I am __________” in the comments below! Love and soft hugs,

Jessie D. DDA





Spoonie Sisters

chronically hopeful 2014

Spoonie Sisters,

You are stunning. Your smile impacts the atmosphere. Though you beautiful on the outside, your beauty is more than skin-deep. Every element of your personality contributes to your beauty. Your heart of compassion, hope, and joy shines through. Your victories, struggles, tears, and laughter – every note of the melody of your life has contributed to  your beauty.

You might feel that your illness or other ‘flaws’ has stolen your beauty. But darling that is so far from the truth. Your struggles have enhanced your beauty. Don’t compare yourself to a past version of you. Don’t compare yourself to family, friends, or women in the media. Illness and medication might alter how you look or see yourself, but I assure you that you are stunning despite the changes.

You have gracefully overcome many things. Your accomplishments are impressive. The little things do matter. You are a fighter, a…

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People, We Need People

I didn’t know anything was bothering me today. I was snippy with my partner this evening, and he noticed, and asked if there was anything I needed to talk about. I didn’t think there was. But I took advantage of the opportunity and started blabbing whatever came to mind anyways. Something about feeling scared, anxious, and lost. He listened, and one of the only things he said was “People, we need people.” I shrugged it off, got pissy again, and walked away.

Then it dawned on me- I had not talked to any humans today, or left the house.

This is not an unusual thing for me. I am home sick and alone often.

But what my partner said to me just sunk in and a light bulb went off.

I had a few “good days” physically and otherwise for the past few days- got out of the house each day, got to see friends and family, and wasn’t alone at home all day. And those were consequently mentally and emotionally better days for me too.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I remembered that I DO need people. Not just need them physically for help, (which I do also) but need them to be balanced emotionally and mentally, which for me, can be even more important than how I am doing physically.

Talking to my partner when he asked if I needed to talk? That changed my whole attitude afterwards, pretty quickly too. I no longer felt useless or so lost, and all I had done was just share from the heart for ten minutes or so.

Final thought: If you’re feeling crazy, please call a friend, and no, you’re not being a burden. Don’t listen to all the crazy things your mind tells you. It’s just the fear talking. Better yet, try to make human contact daily. That’s how I keep the crazies at bay.

Having a chronic illness can mean we’re not always able to get out and be around people, or even talk to people, but dammit we can try. Or if we have five “good” minutes in one day, we can use that to call a friend. Just talking to a friend, and hearing their voice even for a little bit, can really help our mental and emotional states. I know there are scientific articles out there that prove this, but I prove it to my self time and time again.

So what are you waiting for? Go call a friend!🙂



Jessie D. DDA

Gratitude Gives Birth to My Miracles

To ill to attend my face to face 12 step meeting tonight, but I am grateful that I can attend one online. Thankful for www.intherooms.com. A chronically fabulous 12 steppers best friend

What are you grateful for this evening?


It’s such a miracle what happens when I focus on the positive and what I am grateful for, instead of “Ohhhhhh I have these illnesses and can’t leave my house. Poor me, poor me!” Sure I think that for a moment here and there, but dwelling on it for more than 5 seconds, it just does me no good. There’s no point in it.


I’m not saying don’t feel your feelings, just don’t sit like a baby in shit and get all squishy and sit with the bad ones for too long, longer than necessary to feel and release them.

If you don’t feel them, they’ll come out in other ways, trust me. But if you dawdle in them, especially the negative ones, they can fuck up a perfectly good day. I’m not down for all that mess today.

Keeping it simple❤ Love all my chronically fabulous peeps!


What I wanna do, and what I’ll probably do

Hey peeps🙂 Been a while. I’m on some pretty heavy duty treatment for my Lyme Disease, and it’s making me even sicker than normal lately. Oh well. Lyme be damned, Lyme be gone!

Anywho, last night almost in a half coma, I was up in the middle of the night playing Halloween games till almost sunrise, and it got me thinking. It got me thinking of all the stuff I want to, would like to , and used to do for Halloween/autumn; the stuff that makes a season a season ya know?

Because of my near and dear chronic illnesses, there is a divide between what I wanna do, and what I’ll prolly do. But that’s okay! As long as I do SOME damn thing for the season! A thing or two…or three….

I want to horseback ride. I haven’t in years, and I’d prolly end up in the ER if I did, but I still want to😛 I told my husband that I wanted to, that we HAD to, before snow comes this year. That’s not very likely anymore, from my condition, and that’s okay. I’m coming to terms.

I wanna go to a damn orchard or what not, and pick pumpkins, or apples, or do a corn maze. That’s not so likely gonna go down this year either, and that’s okay. Sigh.

So dammitall! What WILL (can) I do for the season?!?! I can play my kid’s Halloween games online while I’m suffering from pain and sickness at night🙂 I can ask my hubby to pick me up those cute little candy pumpkins, you know, the orange and green ones that taste sorta like candy corn? Yeah I know I’m supposed to limit my sugar, but seriously I need to cheat so I don’t feel cheated out of my fall/Halloween suckas!

Yup, been a little feisty all day. Little stir crazy. Been really sick and tired of being sick and tired, but ah, this too shall muthafukin pass😉 One of my fave famous Jessie quotes (that’s me, btw).

So what are my chronically lovely friends here going to do for Halloween/fall treats? Feel free to bitch in the comments about what you want to do vs. what you’ll probably actually do, or, if you’re feeling like focusing on the positive today (😉 ) just tell me what you’re gonna do to celebrate.

I love you all,

soft hugs,

Jessie D.


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