Thinking lately more about my spoons, and how I use them. I know many of you have read “The Spoon Theory”, but if you haven’t, it is a MUST READ, for people with chronic illnesses, and their loved ones. You can find it here: http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf. It’s a short, 2 page read. Go ahead, do it now 🙂
Anyway, I think it’s been on my mind lately because I gave it to my Beloved partner to read, so now he uses the phrase of “my spoons” frequently. Like yesterday, I got to take a shower (damn miracle 😉 ) and he came in the bathroom and said something like “I’m glad you have enough spoons to take a shower honey.” Or the day before I was about to do something and he said, “No don’t waste your spoons on that, I’ll do it.” 🙂 God I love and adore this man.
I also added the 5 Stages of Grief (if you’re unfamiliar, Google that too 😉 ) as a sort of side thought, because going over this posting, before hitting “publish post”, I noticed the stages present throughout it, and I’m pretty sure I go through these stages on a regular basis, as most of us do.
Anywho, today I blissfully thought that I had enough energy to trek with him to go visit his daughter, and I was super stoked to be going. Then I remembered that a girl friend of mine has a Bachelorette party tonight, and that I promised her I would do my best to go, if my body allowed. Crap. Two things I really really want to do, and I must choose.
For a moment, I fancied the thought, “Well, I’ll just drive myself to Chris’ daughters, and then leave early to go back across towns to go to the party!” LOL LOL LOL. (denial,bargaining) I don’t know who I thought I was when that thought was going through my head. I really wanted to do it, and I almost did! I actually had my coat on, and was getting ready to walk out the door, when I had a small whisper tell me to just let it go. (acceptance) Sigh. (depression) I get so stubborn sometimes.
I remembered something I just read in my new favorite book, “How To Be Sick”, by Toni Bernhard, that goes like this: “If I could have joined them, that would have been nice. Since I can’t, that will be okay too. I’ll lie in bed and listen to music or find a movie on tv.” When I read that quote the other day, it brought me a lot of peace, when I was struggling with another something I couldn’t do because of my illness. Please check out this book peoples. It’s amazing- possibly life changing. If you’re broke like me, you can possibly get it from your local library if you have one- that’s what I did. Pretty sure I’ll have to not pay a bill though to end up purchasing it, because I wanna go back to it again and again….
So, my partner, Chris, said to me “You made a good choice honey”, which I figured was true, but was still upset about at that moment he told me. I don’t want to HAVE to make a CHOICE dammit! (anger) I want it all! lol 😛 But of course, he was right. I thanked God, and felt that small still voice I heard earlier was from Him/Her, because I had asked God for guidance just mere moments before, since I was struggling so badly trying to make my own decision.
So….spoons….how did you use yours today? Some days we have none, some days we have one or two more spoons than usual….how will you or have you used your spoons today my sweet warriors? Soft hugs,
Ps. I know my blog is titled “Handicapped And Happy”: this does not by any means mean that I am always happy, after all I am human, duh! I just decide to choose to focus on the positive as much as I possibly can, as I have seen others with chronic illness do, and that’s what I want for my existence too. Beats the alternative…